There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, or sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void.
You don’t hear about it as much, but women do cheat. While there are big scandals and fallout over men who cheat, a number of women have come forward admitting they, too, cheat–but why?
“Women tell me, ‘I was lonely, not connected, I don’t feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'” says Winifred Reilly, MA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif. “They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again.”
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So we took a poll of over 100 women and those who were bold enough to admit they cheated, here we share their top reasons why.
Reason 1: A Need For An Emotional Connection
Every affair is different, and so are every woman’s reasons for her involvement.
That said, men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner, says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? and Why We Love.
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Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness, Fisher says.
“Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in, while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat,” says Fisher. “Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are – for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate.”
In one of her studies, Fisher found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. 56% of men who had affairs were happy in their marriage.
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Reason 2: It’s Genetic
The theory that adultery is “natural” for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.
That theory, Fisher says, is that from the earliest days, women paired with a primary mate to have children. But as women went out to gather food, they slept with other men, creating an insurance policy — to have someone who would help rear children and provide resources, should their mate die.
“Women who slept around collected more meat, protection, and resources from their lovers,” Fisher says. “She might even have an extra child to create more genetic variety in her lineage; if some children die, others will live on.”
That theory is controversial. But experts say that women’s motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That’s not to say that some women don’t have affairs just for the sex, or that sex wasn’t important — but in general, women’s motivations aren’t just about sex.
“I don’t think women are doing it because they want to have more sex, but I don’t think they mind if they get it,” Reilly says. “It is not really about sex as much as the experience of being with somebody.”
Reason 3: Desire To Leave
Many women who cheat say that they’d already left their marriages emotionally long before they had an affair, and using another partner to transition out of a bad marriage is another common reason women have affairs.
Women can often become frustrated with living a life of disillusionment and feel trapped in a disappointing, sexless marriage, where their dreams and hopes of a successful marriage have faded, leaving them very lonely.
Many feel that affair or not, their marriage would have dissolved anyway.
“They are on a sinking ship and use it as a life raft because they don’t want to just jump into the cold water,” Reilly says.
She also sees some women have affairs during periods of vulnerability or life change, like when a child goes off to college or after a job loss. They may see it as a form of comfort during the upheaval.
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Reason 4: They Want Revenge
When women discover their partner has had an affair, this can motivate them to do the same. Even when they say they are over it, they may not be. It takes some real work to get on the other side of relationship where your partner cheated. Even if the behavior isn’t there any more, little things can trigger a woman to think the man may still be cheating. Also, depending on who the man cheated with, it may make the woman want to cheat just to spite him. Women are five times more likely than men to engage in infidelity for this reason.
Reason 5: Bored or Seeking Something New
Women whose lives feel dull or unexciting might see the appeal of infidelity. While about 5 percent of women reflected that novelty-seeking explained their affair, almost 8 percent pointed to boredom as the reason they cheated. And
Reason 6: They are in Love With Their Affair
To what extent do the qualities of an affair partner tip the scales toward infidelity for women? Surprisingly little. The majority of reasons women use to understand their affairs center on their primary relationship, with only about 2 percent saying it was love toward their affair partner and only about 5 percent saying their affair partner’s attractiveness was a key motive. Some women may feel that their emotional needs are not being met in their primary relationship and may seek out a more fulfilling emotional connection with someone else. That initial connection can turn into something more than lust and may even feel like love.
Reason 7: They Get Tired of Being the Only One Working on the Relationship
Every relationship goes through its rough patches, but those who have been married for a long time share that what comes out on the other side after putting in the work is usually even better. But those couples who only have one person doing the work, or fighting for the relationship, tend to lean towards stepping out.
“I stepped out because my husband stopped caring if I climaxed or not,” one anonymous reader said. “[It was] ’I’ll get you next time.’ I even suggested trying new things in the bedroom, roleplaying, and all that, but he didn’t want to work on it. I felt like I was the only one that wanted our intimate relationship to be better. Then he started constantly accusing me when I had been 100% faithful; and would fat-shame me. Since then, I figured I might as well cheat since he was accusing me, and I couldn’t convince him otherwise. My affair partner and I are great friends, and have amazing sexual chemistry. We care for each other, but would not want to jeopardize our home lives. It is risky, but now essential to my happiness. He makes me feel sexy, beautiful, and worthy. …it’s bigger, too!”
Reason 8: Honestly Have Just Grown Apart
One anonymous reader summed up this reason best by saying:
“We’d been married for five years (10 altogether), but I’d been ‘in love’ with him since I was a kid. He was the cool older boy who lived down the street.”
“Wasn’t until we were married that I began to realize he was very attractive and very funny, but also a little bit racist, a little bit homophobic, a little bit offensive (said he wouldn’t love me if I got fat etc…); and more importantly, would prioritize every single one of his interests/friends/hobbies over me.
One night I met a guy at a work event, and I never realized you could click and talk to someone like that. We didn’t stop talking for about seven hours, and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to him. It made me realize that I’d been in love with the idea of ending up with my childhood crush and that we weren’t actually a suitable couple. Spent one night with the guy from the work event, went home, told my [now] ex-husband, and left. Been with the work guy for 15 years, and he’s ‘my person.’
I took a huge risk (and did a sh-tty thing), but it was the best decision I ever made. And the thing I cling to is that I did a horrible thing, but I admitted it, left, and tried to make the divorce as easy as possible. I didn’t carry on behind his back, lying to him for months or years after. [Ex]-husband moved his new girlfriend into my old house four months later, had a baby ten months later, and was married a year later, so he wasn’t moping around too much. 😂”
Reason 9: They know their relationship is ending
Relationship endings are notoriously difficult, but rarely do they happen suddenly. There’s a lead-up to a breakup. Maybe cheating is the excuse they need to end their primary relationship or perhaps it’s related to the pain of relationship dissolution, but, either way, women sometimes cheat because their primary relationship is ending.
Reason 10: A Cry For Help
Another common reason is a cry for help in the marriage. One of Reilly’s patients had an affair, ended it, and then told her husband as a way to point out they were in more trouble than he thought.
Reilly says her clinical experience has shown that affairs are almost always caused by problems in the marriage. Therapy, at times, can be helpful to avoid going down that path.
“People have affairs because they are looking for something,” Reilly says. Although she sees a number of couples grappling with infidelity, “more people come to me before it happens because they want to save their marriage.”
Women are also less likely than men to have an affair that “just happens,” because they tend to think longer and harder about the situation, experts say.
Some women take time ” to warm up to it,” says Marcella Weiner, EdD, PhD, an adjunct professor at Marymount Manhattan College in Brooklyn, N.Y. “Going in and leaving quickly isn’t their thing. Men can walk away more easily, because their emotions are just different and it is unusual for a woman who wants to have sex and forget about it.”
It may be an old notion that women are the ones who get attached in a relationship, Reilly says. But she sees that women do connect with their partners in affairs and think more about taking part in one.
“Women really can recognize the risk for them,” Reilly says, pointing to the possibility of losing their partner because of an affair. “Perhaps this is also because, when it comes to affairs, society tends to more harshly judge women than men,” Reilly adds.
