Believe it or not, there are many popular myths that are probably ruining your sex life.
We are all wired with sexual desires.
It is part of being human. Despite this, Black women are often super conservative when it comes to sex.
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So conservative that we sometimes feel uncomfortable exploring and enjoying our sexuality.
Many times, this is related to some inaccurate, strongly held belief that we have picked up along the way.
As a psychiatrist, I am amazed at the false ideas that people have about sex and intimacy. Below are just a few things that I have heard frequently:
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1. Black Women Don’t _________
You can fill in the blank on this one with oral sex to anal sex, and everything in between.
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us were taught that these were activities that Black women just didn’t engage in with our partners.
As a result, we have set these very firm rules for sex with no consideration of what our desires are.
If you genuinely have no desire to participate in anal sex with your partner that is a very appropriate boundary that you can set with your partner.
However, if the only reason you don’t consider it is because you have always been taught that Black women don’t do this then you may want to think long and hard about how you really feel about it.
When we set these rules for ourselves, it can interfere with relationships and create extreme levels of guilt if we find ourselves curious about something we have convinced ourselves is off-limits.
2. Experimental or 'Super' Freaky Sex Is Nasty (Or Dirty)
Growing up, it was not uncommon for people to talk about sex in terms of it being something nasty or dirty.
Sometimes you were made to feel ashamed for even having sexual thoughts that are outside of the box, especially as a female. Maybe it's something like choking, or being bound or handcuffed. Or perhaps fantasies about watching another couple engage in sex.
When you grow up with this kind of mindset about sex, it is hard to enjoy sex as an adult. You feel like you are doing something wrong whenever you engage in something that the usual "sex-in-the-bedroom" sexual activity.
This level of guilt and shame can lead to some seriously negative self-talk, depression, and anxiety.
3. Masturbation Can Ruin Your Sex Life
How often have we seen little boys touching themselves and we laugh it off or just say “boys will be boys”?
We tend to have the complete opposite reaction about little girls who touch themselves. We yell at them to stop and we tell them that they should never do that. But we joke about our teenage sons spending too much time in the shower. Unfortunately, we don’t think it is funny if it is our daughters.
Somewhere along the way we have created a double standard that says it is okay (and often expected) for men to engage in masturbation, but not for women. And we should really reconsider that train of thought.
Why can't women and men both explore their bodies equally without ridicule?
Masturbation can actually be a very practical way for women to learn what they like sexually. It can help them be more detailed with their partners to create a more pleasurable experience for both parties.
4. If I don’t Have Orgasms During “Regular” Sex, Something Is Wrong With Me
If you are a woman who cannot experience orgasm through intercourse alone, you are not alone and certainly not defective. It is thought that up to 80 percent of women have this same issue. But since we are very tight-lipped about sexual topics, you would never know that those in your social circle may be having the same experience.
Not understanding this as reality can lead to a lot of self-conscious feelings about your ability to have a happy sex life.
It is common for these ladies to require more clitoral involvement to achieve orgasm.
Some couples are taking advantage of devices to assist with clitoral stimulation during sex. They also make an effort to use positions that allow for more clitoral involvement.
It is also helpful to have real conversations with your partner about what things bring you pleasure and what activities you’d like to avoid during intimacy periods.
Holding on to inaccurate information and thoughts about sex can interfere with your relationships. It can also negatively affect how you feel about yourself.
aking the time to assess any hang-ups that you have related to sex can be the first step towards rekindling your sexy!
