You watch. You wait. You dream. But until it happens you wonder: “Am I ready to sit at The Grown Folks’ Table?” It is a rite of passage, a coming of age moment to relish, when you are moved from kids, tweens, and teens space to “The Table”. Vying with those aged twentysomething and up for a coveted spot among the older generations is not easy. A seat at The Table is a jewel in the crown meaning you have arrived among your people. All of the young bloods mix and mingle with something to prove: successful adulting. A tap to “move on up” can mean any of the following: respect for your choices and for you; the expectation of financial stability for self and/or contribution to the family as needed; an invitation to gatherings not assumed attendance; a space at your side for a plus one; and being seen as a “responsible one” for anything or anyone from pets to elders and not the other way around. Here’s how to tell.
R-e-s-p-e-c-t
Not to be taken lightly, sitting at The Grown Folks’ Table is not for everybody. You must be worthy, and you might have to level up. Respect is the foundation of this consideration. Who you are now and who you are on your way to becoming are the beginning and open end to this evaluation. Do you come home for the holidays on the regular? Do you call your family (mom, pop, sisters and brothers, with extra points for grandparents) at least once a week, send cards for all the major occasions, and call on birthdays? Do you live a “respectable” lifestyle without engaging in behavior or making choices that you would be ashamed for your people to see, hear, or know about? Are you a good steward of what you have been entrusted with, both large and small, such that you are the kind of person folks can count on? Are you judicious with your free time or do you have a leaning toward procrastinating, ghosting, being selfish or negligent when it comes to doing for or being with family? If you would be proud of all of your responses, then you have succeeded at passing the initial evaluation.
MONEY!
If you have a stable (and legal) source of income, then you score. You can contribute without making a dent in your wallet or pocketbook. Financial security shows that you are not leaning on someone else to provide for you (or you have married well enough to check this box in full faith). However, if you can’t be counted on for more than a potluck dish at Thanksgiving and a t-shirt for the family reunion, but not much else, you still have some basic progress points to gain your seat at The Table. Flowers for a funeral are nice when a family member passes, but the true test is if you can help with the burial if need be. Calls and cards are also nice gestures, but can you uproot and work remotely while caring for elderly or ailing parents? At the end of the month, you have enough, and you are comfortable. You may even have a mortgage that you faithfully pay and instead of paying rent, you have a tenant or two paying rent to you, but do you have a guest room for when the family is in town? Are you still in the running?
Be our guest.
When the time comes for graduations, Sunday dinners with the family, weddings, and even casual get-togethers like a Juneteenth barbecue, you are included. The change from pre-grown folk to well established grown folk material is that your presence although expected and hoped for, is not assumed. You are asked in advance and invited.
Married folks can bring their spouse, but if you aren’t married, you are encouraged to have a “plus-one” guest at your side. Maybe this is because your family wants to give your guest the once over to see if Mr. or Ms. Right-Now could become Mr. or Mrs. Right. The selection of a plus one to take to the event, for this reason, is serious business. Your choice of companion will be scrutinized for how well they fit in with your family. This selection and presentation, if socially acceptable, is another crucial x-factor of gaining a seat at The Grown Folks’ Table. If your choice is a significant other, you can be fast-tracked to temporary seats for two, with all of the attention on this latest addition who will be subject to more questions than on a job interview. This is intentional to determine what selection criteria you used to decide to bring this sacrificial lamb around your family for two times the attention and double doses of stress.
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Lean on me.
The final factor in whether or not you qualify for a spot at The Grown Folks’ Table is a culmination of all the above. It comes down to whether or not you are responsible. Not only do you need to be able to take good care of yourself at the most basic level without relying on anyone else to support you, but can you be there for members of the family if need be? Bonus points may be given to your success with plants, pets, children, and a special sibling, or helping out a seasoned senior, like your parents, an aunt or uncle living alone, or paying a visit to your grandparents, if you are blessed to have them. This does not require a financial commitment in all situations, but it does mean being there and stepping up to the plate when you are needed, and when the time comes, making sure that what is needed is provided with a commitment to at least coordinate their care. This may require direct or delegated and shared caregiver responsibilities. You should be able to prove that you can handle anything from school carpools and science fair projects to driving to doctor’s visits and running errands with grace. What is most important is making sure it all gets done and done well consistently. Even if you do not foot the bill, it is clear that you are serious about making sure that they get the care they need, the comfort they deserve, and the peace of mind and contentment that they can expect and reasonably rely on if you were raised well.
Well done if you can pass the scrutiny and claim your place at The Grown Folks’ Table. This means that, while you are not perfect, but a work in progress, you are enough. You are respected. You have your finances in order and a good bit of common sense. You are welcome, trustworthy, and a stable part of family life. You can also be counted on to care about and do for others. Congratulations, you are ready to take your seat. Happy Holidays. And good luck!
