Few things can knock even the strongest man or woman to their knees, like infidelity. Anguish, guilt and rage are just the beginning array of emotions once an affair has been discovered or revealed.
So, what happens next? Partners who have been cheated on may be called upon to forgive and get beyond the betrayal. Partners who have cheated on their mate, now have the responsibility of working to rebuild the trust that has been lost. Neither of these things are simple, but with hard work it can be possible for some to put the affair behind them and emerge as a stronger, happier couple.
For others, however, the magnitude of outrage and pain following the discovery of an affair can prove to be just too much to recover from. Some partners remain hopelessly stuck amidst their pain and hostility, making it all but impossible to heal. Communicating thoughts and feelings is the most essential first step in getting beyond the pain of an affair.
Affairs can crush the foundation of any marriage by destroying trust and ruining communication. Following an affair, trust issues can be so fractured that the individual who cheated must always be willing to be accountable for their whereabouts, even though he or she may think that to be unfair. There must be a willingness to make promises and commitments that an affair will never happen again.
You May Also Like
Sadly, the person who cheated often wants to quickly put the affair behind them. However, he or she needs to honor the emotional healing of his or her partner while bearing in mind, there is no timetable for these things. Once an affair is discovered, partners struggle with understanding why the affair occurred, the “signs” they missed and what they possibly could have done differently.
There are many different reasons why someone might have an affair. Sometimes, it’s purely a case of poor judgment—a person may feel happy with their marriage, but a late-night dinner with co-workers along with few cocktails can often lead to failing impulse control. Quite often, it can be a search for an emotional...
connection, wanting someone to pay attention and be attracted and lavish you with compliments.
In due time, both partners must examine the role each played in the affair. Discussing personal roles in the affair can be a brutal experience for the partner that was cheated on, especially when they fail to see how they could have even had a role in their partner’s choice to have an affair. The breakdown of communication and intimacy in a relationship lies with both partners. Therefore, it is important to engage in personal examination of both individual roles to best understand how things unraveled.
You May Also Like
The spouse that had the affair also needs to be open to discussing what happened if the betrayed spouse needs this. Understandably, the spouse that has been cheated on may want to discuss the affair in detail, such as how they met the person they cheated with, how long the affair went on, was the individual sexually ‘better’ than them, etc. As difficult as it may be, the cheating spouse must be willing to answer these uncomfortable questions as well as offer genuine reassurances.
The person guilty of the affair must examine their personal reasons for straying, and what needs to change to avoid the temptation in the future. As for moving forward, both parties in the relationship should take responsibility for reestablishing trust, improving communication, creating a stronger relationship, and enhancing intimacy.
Cheating spouses or partners can heal from the pain of an affair by:
- Talking about the affair openly and honestly with your spouse
- Taking ownership of your role in the affair
- Honestly answering questions from your spouse about the affair
- Accept that you need to give your spouse ample time to heal
- Understand that trust has been broken in the relationship
- Agreeing to have no further contact with the person involved in the affair
Spouses cheated on can heal from the pain of an affair by:
- Avoiding a rush to judgement
- Working with your spouse to set new rules for the relationship
- Not assigning blame for the affair on the individual your spouse cheated with—your spouse is the one that made a commitment to you
- Avoiding comparing yourself to the other person
- Refraining from tit-for-tat behavior (having another affair or tryst to get back at your partner)
- Avoiding rushing to seek a divorce or breakup
- Seeking individual and/or marriage counseling
After an affair, one of the greatest obstacles...
to the healing process lies between the sheets. Often, a couple feels like the other person remains in the middle of their relationship, preventing them from trusting each other and barring them from engaging in healthy displays of affection. This constant phantom in the bedroom can have dire consequences on the marriage! The unfaithful spouse often feels pressured to please in bed, leading to distraction and diminished performance which the hurt party, already injured and insecure, interprets as a lack of interest, desire and physical attraction.
The best way to put an affair behind you and come out stronger is to receive marital/relationship counseling. Counseling permits couples to talk about their relationship and the affair in a non-threatening environment. Spouses can learn the skills needed to improve communication, build trust, enhance intimacy, strengthen the foundation of their relationship and decrease the likelihood of a recurrence.
