I was recently asked by a national print publication about my thoughts about sexual intimacy and intensifying orgasms and I wanted to share a few tips with you to help you “get there," whether you're with your significant other or by yourself.
Too often, we become so fixated on having a mind blowing, earth shattering, toe-curling orgasm that we forget how nice it can be to be teased, touched, enticed, caressed, taken, enthralled, and compelled sexually.
Sure, chandelier-hanging sex “til the cops come knockin” is cool, but for many people, the challenge of reaching orgasmic ecstasy remains elusive.
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Have you ever tried tantic sex?
Tantra is a style of meditation and ritual credited to an ancient Hindu practice over 6,000 years ago, and its basis is rooted in connecting with the divine through the use of spiritual energy. It literally means "the weaving and expansion of energy." In the case of tantric sex, sexual energy is used to not only come into complete unity with a beloved but to also draw closer to a higher power.
Tantric sex isn’t necessarily about reaching an orgasm. The goal is to experience more depth in sexuality and to enrich the whole sexual experience. Tantric sex, unlike traditional lovemaking, doesn’t have a beginning or an end and does not necessarily involve actual intercourse.
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The entire tantric experience is a song and dance between both partners that involves extended foreplay built upon intimacy, meditation and unity. There is no particular goal in tantric sex. Instead, the focus is to enjoy exquisite unity during sexual expression. Tantric sex teaches couples how to extend their moments of sexual ecstasy to experience multiple orgasms in one sexual experience.
Imagine being able to feel those euphoric moments over and over in the period of 30 minutes. Tantric sex allows couples to become multi-orgasmic and to use sex as a form of manifestation to not only improve their relationship but each individual's overall health.
So how does one go about participating in tantric sex? It's more simple than you think.
1. Be present.
Be "in the moment" and try not to think about work, kids, bills, or the challenges of life. Focus on what feels pleasurable for you. One way to do this is to set the mood: maybe your thing is candles, incense or music. Whatever it is you need to get your mind right, do it.
2. Be patient.
Trying to rush your climax may only delay it from happening. It's going to happen if you let it. Give yourself as much time as you want to enjoy being sexy for yourself and/or for your partner.
3. Use a friction position.
A friction position may help you have an orgasm during intercourse. Get on top, for example, so the top of your clitoris is rubbing directly on your partner’s pubic bone. Or lay on your back with a pillow underneath your butt.
4. Use "those" muscles.
Kegels are the classic exercise for women who want to transform feeble orgasms into fabulous ones. Locate these muscles in your pelvic floor by stopping yourself from peeing midstream. Then...
... tone them by clenching when you’re not peeing. Do Kegels every day, ideally a few times a day. And keep breathing while you squeeze.
5. Delay the pleasure.
The longer the arousal buildup, the bigger the explosion. Get yourself close to orgasm, then slow to a simmer. Repeat that a few times before you climax.
6. Focus on breathing.
Focused breathing may boost your pleasure. Studies have shown that you can use your breath to channel your sexual energy. Partners who breathe in tandem may slow the rush to orgasm and create a bigger buildup, which can intensify pleasure.
7. Know yourself.
This is a no-brainer, but something that many of us forget. Know what turns you on/off. Do you like seductive talking? Maybe wear sexy clothes? Do you prefer the lights on/off? Firm or soft body caressing? Does spontaneity turn you on? Figure out what it takes you "there".
The Biggest Challenge Is... In Your Mind!
The biggest challenge for many of my clients is being comfortable with their own bodies. Oftentimes, people feel shameful about their size, shape, or way that their body moves and this prevents them from surrendering themselves sexually to their partners.
Healthy relationships involve talking about how you feel about your body as well as how it impacts your sexual experience.
Consider sharing with each other what you like sexually, what you think about sexually, and how you feel as a sexual being in order to develop a deeper sense of intimacy.
Here are a few more tips that you may want to consider:
- Think of the types of positions that could bring you and your partner closer together to experience a heightened orgasm.
HOMEWORK: Here are four positions to try tonight:
1. Tiny ball
Also known as the Method of Great Bee, the tiny ball allows for full depth penetration and control over thrusting rhythm. Climb onto your partner in cowgirl position. Pull your knees to either side of your body, like you’re sitting in a low squat. Opt for a rocking motion over bouncing up and down. This position is erotic because you are the one with all the power of motion.
Be sure to make lots of eye contact with your partner. Tantra is about emotional connection so, the more you can do to enable closeness, the better.
2. Plated Spoon
Spooning is an intimate sex position already, but adding a tantric twist can really get the volume up on this classic move. Set the mood with some lavender and rose scented candles and the long version of Prince's "Scandalous" (Trust us, it’s what you need).
Start with some very slow, passionate kissing. Synchronize your breathing with your partner’s. Then, have your partner lie behind you and enter you. Keep things slow and passionate. Have him or her touch your body and interlace fingers. Spooning never felt so sexy.
3. "Come In" Cobra
This take on the classic cowgirl gives you much-needed clit access as well as face-to-face intimacy. Get on top of your partner. Once he or she is inside of you, swing your legs back so that you’re lying flat against your partner.
Your bodies should be perfectly aligned. Rest on your forearms on his or her chest for extra lift. You’re essentially in a baby cobra position, only with your partner (or toy) inside of you.
Keep in mind this position is not always comfortable for everyone. Do what feels good for you.
4. Lotus
This position is super intimate and sexy, which is probably why it is the most famous Tantric sex position of all. Known in Tantra at Yab Yum, the Lotus is amazing for female orgasm. It gets you up close and personal for deep, passionate kissing and right against your partner’s pubic bone for carefree clitoral stimulation.
Have your partner sit on the bed or couch and straddle him or her, face-to-face. Rock back and forth. You'll get it (wink, wink).
Finally, you and your partner should take time out to discuss sexual expectations (e.g., frequency, protection from unplanned pregnancy and STIs, positions, etc.) for yourself and your relationship. Remember that your best sexual organ is your brain and that the dirty four-letter word that most couples fail to address with regards to sex is…TALK.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
